A lot of guys get a bad rap for being total clueless idiots when it comes to romance. But it's really not their fault. Really, it's not. How can they be expected to avoid the pitfalls of tacky romantic cliché when everywhere they look (TV, internet, magazines) they are being fed shitty ideas.
Like for example the persistence of the heart-shaped diamond pendant.
This style necklace has been out of style for at least 12 years. In fact, I am not even entirely sure it was ever in style. I know I had a fake one that I wore in the 3rd grade, but I usually wore it with a hot pink and teal wind-suit, so my taste may not have been so au currant. But lord knows they are out of style now. And yet, every jeweler on the planet had a commercial hawking their fine selection of heart-shaped diamond pendants as the perfect gift for your Valentine. Unless your Valentine lives in a trailer park or has been in a coma since 1984, this is an ill advised purchase. But how would you, the man, know that! You couldn't! Just like you couldn't know that buying a Vermont teddy bear and having it sent to your beloved's office with a sappy message strapped to his chest is more likely to get you dumped than laid. It's not your fault. The media has brainwashed you. And now that Valentines day is over, they are finding new, even more diabolical ways to infiltrate your brain and fill it with the most repugnant suggestions. Don't believe me? Check out the list of "Best ways for a man to pop the question" as provided by MSN.com:
Convince the local theater to spell out your proposal on their marquee. Phrase it like a film title: "The Love of a Lifetime, starring (insert names here)."
[Even if you were both drama majors and met while performing in a play, those words on a marquee will make the girl vomit.]
Create a Web page declaring your love and intentions. Leave your sweetie a clue with the Web address written on it -- don't say a word. After the proposal has been officially accepted (which of course it will be!), she can proudly send the page to friends and family.
[Yes, this is the technological age. But dear god. You simply cannot have any http's or .coms associated with your proposal]
Give your girlfriend a foot massage and place the ring on her little toe.
[No. No we do not involve feet. Feet and engagement rings need to be kept separate. End of story]
Want to really surprise your sweetheart? Cut out the bottom of a big box, wrap it with pretty paper and ribbon, and attach a card that says, "What's inside the box is a gift to last a lifetime." "Deliver" yourself to his or her office or front door.
[This has that classic "Oh didn't I see that on an episode of Full House" feel to it. Best to steer clear of anything that gives off a Danny Tanner vibe]
Is she a deep sleeper? Slip the ring on her finger while she's dozing and wake her with champagne and strawberries. The gesture will just seem romantic -- until she discovers a new piece of jewelry adorns her.
[This is just fucking creepy.]
Surprise her with an intricate gift basket. Pile in yummy delicacies -- the best chocolate, caviar, coffee -- but don't limit yourself to food. You could also include silk slippers, a book or CD. Hide the ring among all these wonderful presents (in its box, so it doesn't get lost in the goodies).
[ A GIFT BASKET? This is the love of your life, not the old lady next door who watched your dog and watered your plants for a week. Do you really want your fiance's last thought before you propose to be "Oooo Peppridge Farm Trail Mix." ?]
Spell your proposal out in glow-in-the-dark star stickers on your ceiling. Get into bed, turn the lights off, and wait for the inevitable gasp.
[This sounds like what Tom Hanks in Big might have done if he had stuck around as a big boy and not gone back to his child-like form. In other words, this is only ok if you sleep in a bunk bed. And if you sleep in a bunk bed, she should have dumped your ass months ago.]
Write "Will You Marry Me?" on the underside of a kite and take flight one warm, breezy afternoon.
[ Honestly, when was the last time you flew a kite. It's not that easy, dude. Don’t embarrass yourself like this. Also, don't you think she might find it a bit odd that a grown man has bought a kite and wants to go fly it? My first thought is "Oh god you have brain cancer don't you."]
Spell out your proposal with refrigerator magnets.
[This is the laziest proposal idea ever. What you were on your way to get a sandwhich and just decided that this was a good time? So you disassembled the dirty phrase you had concocted three nights ago when you were drunk so that you can get the "you" magnet and you can't find "me" magnet so you stop at "Will you marry" and then hope she will get the gist while she is grabbing for some Light Ranch?]
Take her to the local Fourth of July fireworks show, and have someone announce your proposal before your whole town.
[On the next episode of Gilmore Girls.]
Write your proposal in sunscreen on your stomach, so that your tan will "stencil in" the words. She will be so touched you've taken such an, um, interesting approach, she will accept immediately.
[Or she will "take a walk" down the beach so she can call her friend to come pick her up and get her away from your weird ass.]
Tongue-tied? Hire a plane to fly a banner with your "Marry me (insert name here)" message written on it. Take her to a wide-open space -- a beach, park, or stadium -- and simply point. When your sweetie notices what the pilot is doing, tell her that your love was heaven sent.
[Simply point? Not even a grunt? Me. Want. Marry. You. Also, if you use that "heaven sent" line… Well, you better be rehearsing for a role in a bad teen romantic comedy. And even then, you could do better.]
Propose in a different language, or lots of different languages -- starting with French, the language of love. [What? Seriously. Are you fucking kidding me.]
Buy a baby animal that she has always wanted (bunny, kitten, puppy) and loosely tie the ring around its neck. Make a commitment to the pet and each other. [Um… not gonna lie. I kinda like this one. Who can say no to a puppy?]
