Maternal Instinct

Well folks, it's official.
I am becoming my mother.

As any CBS family sitcom or Cathy comic strip will tell you, this is a fate that eventually befalls all women. And, like most things in life, it has it's upsides and its downsides. Since my mother will likely read this (she is very supportive of me as a writer), I will start with the not-so-good stuff and work my way up.

Thus, I present to you...

The Downsides

1) I buy lemons for no discernable reason.

Until recently, I only had the desire to buy a lemon about once a year. Usually to have on hand for Coronas, and even then it would sit in the crisper until it got soft and (on rare occasions) fuzzy. Now I find myself gathering up near-bushels of those tart little suckers without so much as an inkling as to what their purpose will be. This is not a habit one randomly aquires, it is something that has to be learned. I learned it from the woman who practically has an entire fridge reserved for "you just never know" citrus fruits.

2) I have found actual uses for the copious amounts of lemons I buy.

About a week ago I sauted fresh green beans with lemon-pepper herbs (which I also bought for no discernible reason) and squeezed a fresh lemon over top of them.
A few days after that I put half a lemon down the disposal to freshen its odor.
Then, I may or may not have filled a hurricane vase with lemons as a kicky centerpiece.

3) My gift wrapping this year has a "theme".

Apparently I have very strong feelings about wrapping paper. This year I find myself utterly devoted to a sort of quasi-DYI theme of simple brown and red paper with sponge painted holly stamps and big, ivory cardstock tags. Now, given I haven't actually executed any of this yet. But today I did spend several hundred dollars at target buying the paper. I also bought bulk floral stems to fashion myself a tree topper. Also, while we are on the subject of inexplicable domesticity, my former hatred of Rachel Ray has morphed into what can only be described as begrudging respect and tentative acceptance. Just let that thought "hang out" for a quick minute.


4) My driving ability is deterorating at a vastly exponetial rate.

Now, I did my fair share of complaning about driving when I lived in LA and in Chicago (see entries below for proof of that bitchery). I truly thought that my behind-the-wheel anxiety was a result of my stressful surroundings. Apprently that was a load of crap. Because here I am, back in Charlotte, North Carolina, where I rarely traverse off of three main roads, I park in my very own driveway in front of my house, and parallel parking is virtually extinct. I should be golden, right? And yet.... no. During the short six months that I have lived here I have managed to dent my hood, scrape paint off my rear bumper, back into my neighbor's SUV and narrowly escaped death pulling out of the school parking lot while my coworker screamed in terror. All of you had better hope that teleport-technolgy is on the front burner for the world's scientists, because by the time I am my mother's age I will be a bonafide public menace.

5) I am a compulsive counter-wiper.

The other day I sprayed and wiped-down my glass-top stove WHILE MY DINNER WAS STILL COOKING. Not only did I burn a paper towel onto the stove surface, I also gave my brown rice a not-so-subtle Lemon-Piney Fresh flavor. I must be stopped.


Now... lets talk about a few of

The Upsides:


1) My house looks amazing for the holidays.

Due to my mothers excellent guidence, my house is a warm, inviting, christmas wonderland filled with tasteful garland, bright red berries, expertly looped ribbons and artfully arranged pine cones. I can't help but smile everytime I walk in the front door. This is what a home is supposed to feel like.

2) I am an expert gift-giver.

This year I have hit my own personal record of gift ideas that are clever, meaningful and creative. I wouldn't even call them gifts. I would dare call them "tone-poems". My gifts have themes and auras. And I have managed to do it all without dipping into my savings account. This deserves a medal. Or a present. I'd prefer a present.


3) I have a scent.

One of my mom's greatest qualities is her smell. Actual strangers have asked her if it would be okay to lean in for a sniff. She is downright addictive. And now, after three and a half years wearing my signature scent ( Happy Heart) I can officially say that i am following in her fragrant footsteps. I can only hope that my spell is nearly half as comforting and enchanting as my mother's.


You all know me... have you noticed any other ways that I am like my mom? Feel free to share.

In the meantime, stop me if I ever try to force feed you without consent. (Just kidding Mommy).