The most wonderful time of the year...

It's official.
The Christmas season has begun.
How do i know?
Because the worlds most delicious and festive product is back on the shelves.

Candy Cane Tootsie Roll Pops.


OH MY GOD how i adore these things.

what. the. fuck.

Xenu, the galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed "excess population" and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were supposedly exact copies of Douglas DC-8s except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days. The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as "body thetans" that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery.

Straight from the doctrine of.... you guessed it... Scientology.


TomKat, you now disgust and disturb me even more than you did yesterday.

Just trying to stay awake.

In an effort to stave off the 3pm sleepies, I want to share with you a few thoughts that have been lollygagging around in the back of my head like the losers who don't leave the bar even when they turn the lights on and start turning the chairs upside down on the tables.
They are as follows:

* I will never, absolutely never be ok with the idea of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. It baffles me. It frightens me. It disgusts me. Every time I see a picture of them "canoodling" and kissing I feel like I should send it to the police as evidence of child molestation. The fact that they are having a child disturbs me more than the fact that Britney and Kevin had a child. Please understand what a huge thing that is for me to say. I can appreciate that they are gossip media's bread and butter but I really wish that something else would take over the headlines because honestly the thought of them makes me want to vomit.

* While we are on the subject of played out tabloid fodder, let me also say this. I don't think Brad and Angelina have been sleeping together. I know that today's revelation that she bought some sort of vibrating panties would seem to counteract this assertion, but I just feel, in my gut, that this whole situation has been misread. She made out with her brother for chrissake with no appologies, why on earth would she stay quiet about a rip roarin sex life with brad pitt out of respect to his ex wife? She wouldn't. She just. plain. wouldn't.

* Is it disturbing that i spent more on my kitten's new red carrier bag than I have spent on any sort of bag or purse for myself in the last five years? I believe it might be and I believe I do not care.

Alarming Trend.

There has been a rather disconcerting trend in my behavior lately. I quickly becoming a Capitulator. In the past few weeks I have given into a number of whims and activities that I was previously abstaining from with much success. They are enumerated below:
1) The kitten. Yes he is cute. Yes he is supremely snuggly. But why now? I have been lusting after small furry things for months, what pushed me over the edge? I went from being a completely normal person who finds baby animals to be pleasing to the eye to being a total crazed cat lady who uses her own sleeve to wipe the kitten snot off of her sick little baby's nose and lets him sleep on her head during the night. I have no idea how this happened.

2) Pizza and Scones. These are two food items that i have studiously avoided for some time now. Pizza and I went our seperate ways about 5 years ago, and my on-again, off-again love affair with Scones hasn't flared up since junior year when Sarah and I were frighteningly consistent in our trips to Starbucks. And yet, as the cold weather encroaches on the Windy City, my hibernation instincts have kicked into high gear. Suddently thin crust pizza from Lucky Zitos and cranberry scones have become acceptable meals. I am not even really concerned with the caloric implications of this, but rather it is the sheer oddity of the situation that things I have not craved nor desired in years are suddenly dancing around in my dreams like the rasinet boxes in the Consolidated Theaters animation intro. Ooooo rasinets. Crap! There goes another defense wall. But seriously what is next? Will I suddenly reverse my aversion to hot dogs that I have harbored since the age of 6 when I tricked my grandmother into feeding me microwaved hotdogs cut into little circles three meals a day while she was taking care of me while my mom was in the hospital giving birth to my brother thus causing me to associate a stomach full of processed meat with trips to the hospital? Will I suddenly forget that I had a horrible bout of food poisioning caused by bad shrimp at an Atlanta chinese restaurant which was futher compounded by a horridly strong margarita thus causing me to associate painful vomiting and fever with tequila? If you catch me doing tequila shooters between plates of hot dog bites dipped in ketchup, please stop me. I am on the road to hell and odd food fixations will be my chariot.

3) Friendster and Myspace. I am not an internet snob. While in college, I was a religious facebooker. And in the days pre-facebook (gasp! yes there was such a time) I was even an avid CampusHooker (if you aren't familiar... you are probably better off). I consider IM to be a highly legitimate form of serious communication, and in fact, I much prefer it to the phone. I met my boyfriend on a networking roommate finder website for godssake. I present all this to you so that you may understand the gravity of my stance against friendster and myspace. I have no problem with these websites, in theory. They operate under the general principles of friendship as the facebook. They contain the same opportunities for passive agressive relationship habits ( changing your staus from "in a relationship" to "single" is the biggest blow you can deal to your 10-minutes-ago-broke-up-on-IM-ex). They are fine by me. I just had no intention of joining them. Why give myself more profiles to update? Why burden myself with the challenge of having to say clever and witty things about myself on the off chance that someone who didn't like me in high school might find that page and feel ashamed for having ever said anything about me being a suck-up or a goody-two-shoes (yes, i know that phrase died in 1958, but you get the idea). It just didn't seem neccessary. But then something changed. I graduated. And in the adult world, no one is on facebook. In most cases they dont even know what it is. So, in order to "fit in" and "be cool" I had to convert to the geeky internet obsession of the elder generations.... Myspace and Friendster. You can now find me on both of those websites. My profiles are half assed and my pictures are poorly chosen. I refused to put my full effort into creating them because it just seemed to terrible that I was abondoning my principles. Although, even as I type this I am considering logging in to update and make myself sound more interesting. See how weak I am? SAVE ME PLEASE!

Those are my most recent capitulations. Prior to those offenses I also capitulated to my natural hair color, I gave in to the devil that is Tivo, I sold my soul for a pair of really high thread count sheets... really all that is left is hard drunks, cigarettes, and body piercing. Ill let you know when the white flag of surrender rears its ugly head again. As for now, stay strong. And order me a pizza.

Joe and I got a kitty! His name is Sawyer Gobias Meowsky. He is 2 months old. We adopted him from the anti cruelty society of chicago. He has a bit of a cold, so excuse the sneezing. We bought him a nice soft bed but he likes to sleep in the mail basket. I have already traumatized him on day one by clipping his toenails. Hopefully he doesn't already hate me for life.