Apparently I just have Blog Fever today.
In a fit of total insanity, I have started a new blog over on Tumblr.
To be totally honest, despite my rather impassioned "competition" speech from earlier today, the thought having to come up with entire thematic entries that are worthy of posting, even if it is fueled by my psychotic desire to beat Sarah, was making me sweat in uncomfortable regions...
I am going to see if I am any funnier or more witty when taken in smaller doses.
Check it out and let me know what you think:
so-calledwriter.tumblr.com
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Girlfriend is goin' DOWN!
I wouldn't necessarily call myself a competitive person. I never really excelled at competitive sports (my poor mother who sat through two seasons of soccer games waiting to see if I made it off the bench can attest to this. Here's a hint: I didn't). I steer clear of Fourth of July pool volley ball games (where that same mother becomes a trash talking fiend). Truth be told, it is also a reason why I don't enjoy reality competitions like Top Model and Idol and the like (ignore for a moment that I adore project runway and gladiators), because I don't like seeing the monsters that people become when that competitive edge gets embedded deep into their soul.
However, I have come to realize that there are two major exceptions to my non-competitive state. 1) Sing Star and 2) Blogging.
Let's get that first one out of the way: I have only played it once, (ONCE!) but that was enough to make me dream about it at night and practice for in the car by day. Last night I dreamt that I was in an arcade in London (The Trocadero for those in the know) and that they had a large Sing Star machine, and I got up there to play against a stranger and a large crowd gathered round to chant my name and hoist me up on their shoulders. It is actually getting to the point that I might considering buying a video game system just to play sing star. That is just plain messed up. I hate video games. Because they are competitive and require hand eye coordination, which is not one of my skills (nor is hand, foot... hence the soccer bench warming). Regardless, let's just say that if I was to ever play you in Sing Star, I would murder you.
Now, as for #2. This is my dirty little secret. I only copped to it out loud for the first time yesterday while speaking to Ethan Cushing (www.ethancushing.com). About a month ago, ethan had challenged me to blog more often, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea, considering that I make money off of being a writer and I should be keeping my skills sharp. Also I have no hobbies. None. I don't even knit. So Blogging for a few minutes each day shouldn't really put a strain on the rest of my life activities. However, even after promising Ethan that I would blog with regularity, I felt uncompelled to do so. Until my friend Sarah did. (See Sarah Crosland's blog link on my sidebar.... just don't click it yet).
You see, Sarah and I are great buds. The best in fact. We were roommates for two years plus one summer. We can laugh about dumb, stupid things that no one else understands (Cheesy Delights!) and we speak a secret language of shared memories that will forever bond us in a most warm, loving way. Anyone who has lived with us or near us will tell you that our particular brand of togetherness can be downright exclusive and annoying... which just makes us that much more proud of it. Damn! Love that girl.
But, as it would happen, we are also both professional writers, which means, of course....
girlfriend is goin' down.
Understand, I don't mean to compete with Sarah. In fact, I shouldn't even bother. She is naturally funnier than I am (her self deprecation is so honed that it is like a fine art). Weird stuff happens to her like, daily, which makes for much better blog fodder (see the entry about her post man, and the part of her most recent entry that involves a man spitting peanut pieces on her on his way to rehab). Also, she went to journalism school which gives her blog a bit of professional credibility that mine just will never have. I've got a few big names on my resume, but she's got better job titles on hers. I have a few more published years than she does, but that just means that she caught up with me in less time, which gives her the edge again. There is even one magazine that we BOTH write for, and her name goes above mine in the masthead (that might have something to do with it being alphabetical.... but still!) As you can see, despite my deep unabiding love for this girl, I have these bubbling feelings of competitive rage and there is only one logical place for me to let them have their day: the blogosphere.
My blogs will never be as funny or readable as hers are, and I won't waste my key strokes trying to beat her there. No, this is about sheer quantity. Everytime I see that she has put up a new post, I feel compelled to immediately sit down and hammer out my own. And UGH! when she gets TWO up before I get up my next one it makes me want punch a wall! Like a dude! So yes Ethan. I will post more often. But not because I am inspired by creativity.... but because I am determined to stay pace for pace, post for post with Sarah Crosland until I have blogged her into submission.
If you are still reading this... thank you. Because I am assuming that most of you clicked on Sarah's blog a few paragraphs ago and never came back. You are probably going to want to bookmark her blog instead of mine. It's alright. No one can blame you. She is also like 5'10" blond and gorgeous, so you know. Ugh. (Love her though. seriously. besties forever.)
*** For those of you interested in following this one-sided (at least so far it is one sided... she hasn't read this yet) fight, you might be interested to know that starting Saturday, Sarah and I will be sharing one hotel internet connection for an entire week, which means that if we are going to competiblog, we will actually have to shove each other out of the way to access the computer to do it. This could get interesting, very very quickly.***
However, I have come to realize that there are two major exceptions to my non-competitive state. 1) Sing Star and 2) Blogging.
Let's get that first one out of the way: I have only played it once, (ONCE!) but that was enough to make me dream about it at night and practice for in the car by day. Last night I dreamt that I was in an arcade in London (The Trocadero for those in the know) and that they had a large Sing Star machine, and I got up there to play against a stranger and a large crowd gathered round to chant my name and hoist me up on their shoulders. It is actually getting to the point that I might considering buying a video game system just to play sing star. That is just plain messed up. I hate video games. Because they are competitive and require hand eye coordination, which is not one of my skills (nor is hand, foot... hence the soccer bench warming). Regardless, let's just say that if I was to ever play you in Sing Star, I would murder you.
Now, as for #2. This is my dirty little secret. I only copped to it out loud for the first time yesterday while speaking to Ethan Cushing (www.ethancushing.com). About a month ago, ethan had challenged me to blog more often, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea, considering that I make money off of being a writer and I should be keeping my skills sharp. Also I have no hobbies. None. I don't even knit. So Blogging for a few minutes each day shouldn't really put a strain on the rest of my life activities. However, even after promising Ethan that I would blog with regularity, I felt uncompelled to do so. Until my friend Sarah did. (See Sarah Crosland's blog link on my sidebar.... just don't click it yet).
You see, Sarah and I are great buds. The best in fact. We were roommates for two years plus one summer. We can laugh about dumb, stupid things that no one else understands (Cheesy Delights!) and we speak a secret language of shared memories that will forever bond us in a most warm, loving way. Anyone who has lived with us or near us will tell you that our particular brand of togetherness can be downright exclusive and annoying... which just makes us that much more proud of it. Damn! Love that girl.
But, as it would happen, we are also both professional writers, which means, of course....
girlfriend is goin' down.
Understand, I don't mean to compete with Sarah. In fact, I shouldn't even bother. She is naturally funnier than I am (her self deprecation is so honed that it is like a fine art). Weird stuff happens to her like, daily, which makes for much better blog fodder (see the entry about her post man, and the part of her most recent entry that involves a man spitting peanut pieces on her on his way to rehab). Also, she went to journalism school which gives her blog a bit of professional credibility that mine just will never have. I've got a few big names on my resume, but she's got better job titles on hers. I have a few more published years than she does, but that just means that she caught up with me in less time, which gives her the edge again. There is even one magazine that we BOTH write for, and her name goes above mine in the masthead (that might have something to do with it being alphabetical.... but still!) As you can see, despite my deep unabiding love for this girl, I have these bubbling feelings of competitive rage and there is only one logical place for me to let them have their day: the blogosphere.
My blogs will never be as funny or readable as hers are, and I won't waste my key strokes trying to beat her there. No, this is about sheer quantity. Everytime I see that she has put up a new post, I feel compelled to immediately sit down and hammer out my own. And UGH! when she gets TWO up before I get up my next one it makes me want punch a wall! Like a dude! So yes Ethan. I will post more often. But not because I am inspired by creativity.... but because I am determined to stay pace for pace, post for post with Sarah Crosland until I have blogged her into submission.
If you are still reading this... thank you. Because I am assuming that most of you clicked on Sarah's blog a few paragraphs ago and never came back. You are probably going to want to bookmark her blog instead of mine. It's alright. No one can blame you. She is also like 5'10" blond and gorgeous, so you know. Ugh. (Love her though. seriously. besties forever.)
*** For those of you interested in following this one-sided (at least so far it is one sided... she hasn't read this yet) fight, you might be interested to know that starting Saturday, Sarah and I will be sharing one hotel internet connection for an entire week, which means that if we are going to competiblog, we will actually have to shove each other out of the way to access the computer to do it. This could get interesting, very very quickly.***
Monday, January 14, 2008
Yes. This is a post about Jessica Simpson.
Okay - so. I've never been a J-Simp fan. (With the exception of her gorgeous Vera Wang wedding gown, which I did covet for many years.)I definitely am on "Team Nick" when it comes to her divorce, and good for him for finding love with a woman who doesn't want their entire courtship and marriage to be captured on MTv (also, I blame Newlyweds for all of the quasi-scripted, relationship-heavy reality crap that now clogs much of basic cable). However, I feel the poor gal has been dealt an unfair hand.
No, I am not talking about the Tony Romo Curse (though seriously dude, vacay with your paparazzi-stalked girlfriend days before a major playoff game? Not your smartest play.), and I am not talking about how her sister got a nose job and turned out to be hotter than her (how much does THAT suck). What I am talking about is the bum rap she's gotten for her latest box-office effort, Blonde Ambition.
No. I haven't seen it. No, I don't plan to (unless it airs on TV one day and I have nothing better to do. This is also how I ended up seeing Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen). No, I am not saying that maybe critics have been too harsh, I am sure it is crap. I can't really vouch for Jessica's acting chops (other than the acting she may or may not have been doing on Newlyweds). I never saw Dukes of Hazzard or Employee of the Month or anything that she is in.
So Jenn, you ask, what is your point? My point is this: EVERY gossip blog and magazine from one coast to the other has given her a load of guff about how her movie was only open on 8 screens in Texas and made less money in one weekend than a teenager working minimum wage at Jimmy John's Gourmet Subs. But they neglect to mention that Jessica was NOT the only person to make the poor decision to be in this Daddy Simpson-produced monstrosity.
Just take a gander at Blonde Ambition's IMDB page. Go ahead. I'll wait here.
Actually, I'm gonna grab a Perrier, but I'll be here when you get back.
Okay, am I right?
There are like at least four other legit actors in that movie!
Where is their verbal lashing?
Where is their public castration?
Memo to the following actors/actresses: As dear old Stevie C. would say, I am putting you ON NOTICE!
Luke Wilson
Did he get confused and think this was Legally Blonde 3: Blonde Ambition? I mean, I can see how that might happen, it seems like a likely title. Perhaps he has a clause in his contract that says he will appear in "all Blonde movies", thinking it was shorthand for Legally Blonde sequels, but not realizing it would make him liable for this as well. Could happen. Does this mean he should be forgiven for appearing in this movie.... ehh... not so much. You were in Old School. Sack up and try to salvage a little credibility before you end up taking the role Jason Lee turns down for Chipmunks 2 (assuming Lee turns it down. JASON LEE, TURN IT DOWN! Do you hear me?)
Rachel Leigh Cook
Okay, not a major star, but someone with a little bit of established indie cred.... Wait, what's that? That was her in Josie and the Pussycats? Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Wait! But wait. She was in the Babysitters Club Movie, and starred in Dawson's first full length feature film on Dawson's Creek, so that counts as credibility in my book.
Andy Dick
Now, not really an actor or credible person in any sense of the word (even though yes, he too was also in Old School, but in the only scene I find unwatchable), but why then isn't HE being blamed for the unsuccessfulness of this movie? Why aren't we pinning this failure on the complete psychotic mess that is Andy Dick instead of making Jessica bear all the weight of failure? That just doesn't seem fair.
Penelope Ann Miller
Her IMDB resume lets me know that she was on The Facts of Life, Family Ties AND she played Winnie in Big Top Pee Wee, one of my favorite childhood movies. So, we are thus going to count her as credible as well. (She has also appeared and will appear in The Closer and Saving Grace, which I am to understand are big time hits on cable, "Especially for shows that are centered around a female character!"... I am far too bored by the previews to watch either of them. Sorry Sister Sufferagette. I have let you down.)
Drew Fuller
Adult Chris from Charmed!!! How could you. True, that decision to team up with Little Miss Sunshine for that tear jerker "last day before I die" type movie probably was the first sign that you don't know how to manage a film career. But, honestly, I expected more from you and your blue blue, oh so blue eyes.
So, my point here - Jessica isn't the only star who should be shouldering the blame for this cinematic dung-pile, so give the girl an f-ing break.
Also, I need to put Big Top Pee Wee in my Netflix Queue.
No, I am not talking about the Tony Romo Curse (though seriously dude, vacay with your paparazzi-stalked girlfriend days before a major playoff game? Not your smartest play.), and I am not talking about how her sister got a nose job and turned out to be hotter than her (how much does THAT suck). What I am talking about is the bum rap she's gotten for her latest box-office effort, Blonde Ambition.
No. I haven't seen it. No, I don't plan to (unless it airs on TV one day and I have nothing better to do. This is also how I ended up seeing Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen). No, I am not saying that maybe critics have been too harsh, I am sure it is crap. I can't really vouch for Jessica's acting chops (other than the acting she may or may not have been doing on Newlyweds). I never saw Dukes of Hazzard or Employee of the Month or anything that she is in.
So Jenn, you ask, what is your point? My point is this: EVERY gossip blog and magazine from one coast to the other has given her a load of guff about how her movie was only open on 8 screens in Texas and made less money in one weekend than a teenager working minimum wage at Jimmy John's Gourmet Subs. But they neglect to mention that Jessica was NOT the only person to make the poor decision to be in this Daddy Simpson-produced monstrosity.
Just take a gander at Blonde Ambition's IMDB page. Go ahead. I'll wait here.
Actually, I'm gonna grab a Perrier, but I'll be here when you get back.
Okay, am I right?
There are like at least four other legit actors in that movie!
Where is their verbal lashing?
Where is their public castration?
Memo to the following actors/actresses: As dear old Stevie C. would say, I am putting you ON NOTICE!
Luke Wilson
Did he get confused and think this was Legally Blonde 3: Blonde Ambition? I mean, I can see how that might happen, it seems like a likely title. Perhaps he has a clause in his contract that says he will appear in "all Blonde movies", thinking it was shorthand for Legally Blonde sequels, but not realizing it would make him liable for this as well. Could happen. Does this mean he should be forgiven for appearing in this movie.... ehh... not so much. You were in Old School. Sack up and try to salvage a little credibility before you end up taking the role Jason Lee turns down for Chipmunks 2 (assuming Lee turns it down. JASON LEE, TURN IT DOWN! Do you hear me?)
Rachel Leigh Cook
Okay, not a major star, but someone with a little bit of established indie cred.... Wait, what's that? That was her in Josie and the Pussycats? Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Wait! But wait. She was in the Babysitters Club Movie, and starred in Dawson's first full length feature film on Dawson's Creek, so that counts as credibility in my book.
Andy Dick
Now, not really an actor or credible person in any sense of the word (even though yes, he too was also in Old School, but in the only scene I find unwatchable), but why then isn't HE being blamed for the unsuccessfulness of this movie? Why aren't we pinning this failure on the complete psychotic mess that is Andy Dick instead of making Jessica bear all the weight of failure? That just doesn't seem fair.
Penelope Ann Miller
Her IMDB resume lets me know that she was on The Facts of Life, Family Ties AND she played Winnie in Big Top Pee Wee, one of my favorite childhood movies. So, we are thus going to count her as credible as well. (She has also appeared and will appear in The Closer and Saving Grace, which I am to understand are big time hits on cable, "Especially for shows that are centered around a female character!"... I am far too bored by the previews to watch either of them. Sorry Sister Sufferagette. I have let you down.)
Drew Fuller
Adult Chris from Charmed!!! How could you. True, that decision to team up with Little Miss Sunshine for that tear jerker "last day before I die" type movie probably was the first sign that you don't know how to manage a film career. But, honestly, I expected more from you and your blue blue, oh so blue eyes.
So, my point here - Jessica isn't the only star who should be shouldering the blame for this cinematic dung-pile, so give the girl an f-ing break.
Also, I need to put Big Top Pee Wee in my Netflix Queue.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
"This would be the third best thing. Having a baby. Gettin' Married. And Whoopin' his Ass."
As an avid Tivo addict, there is perhaps no one as distraught by the persisting writer's strike than I. In preparation for the months ahead I have ambitiously amped up my Netflix cue, easily forgetting the fact that I kept a copy of Dead Poet's Society for 4 and a half months and then mailed it back covered in dust without even watching it.
However, I have managed to find one completely supercalifragilisticexpialamazing upside to the strike: The return of American Gladiators to broadcast television.
I cannot even count the hours of my youth that were spent watching two blissful, back to back hours of American Gladitors on USA (10am to 12pm). Every morning of my summers I was greeted with a buffet of awesomely bad TV... Gladiators followed by such gems as My Two Dads, Major Dad, Just the Ten of Us, Facts of Life and, of course, Parker Lewis Can't Lose. The bowls of velveeta shells that were consumed... the many sunny afternoons that could have been spent outside... Childhood doesn't get much better than that.
So please, try to imagine my glee as I watched, in complete awe, as 5 foot 4 inch contestant Venus practically had a heart attack on the eliminator which now features A TWENTY FOOT SWIM UNDERWATER WHILE FLAMES BLAST OVER YOUR HEAD (???!!!) The Gladiators are more terrifying (by a long shot) and the contestants, from what I can tell, might actually possess some athletic talent (Anthony the Fire Fighter kicked that swinging bridge's ass). Who ever the television executive was that risked his career by proposing a renaissance of American Gladitors as the next reality television sensation - kudos my friend. I hate reality television (except for anything on HGTV and Bravo. Those don't count.) And now, I am officially going to TIVO reality TV on NBC.
Justice, Titan, Big Bad Wolf, Crush, Venom, Fury, Stealth,Mayhem - welcome to my living room. I am f-ing psyched to see you.
And, just for funsies, here is my list of Truly Terrifying Gladiator Names that didn't quite make the cut:
Hymen
Menses
Bosom
Pex
8-Pac
The Dude
Roids
Hernia
Tanorexia
‘Stache
Homeland Security
Mr. Jiggles (The Clown, obviously)
Hangnail
Peroxide
Atomic Wedgie
Botox
The Clap
However, I have managed to find one completely supercalifragilisticexpialamazing upside to the strike: The return of American Gladiators to broadcast television.
I cannot even count the hours of my youth that were spent watching two blissful, back to back hours of American Gladitors on USA (10am to 12pm). Every morning of my summers I was greeted with a buffet of awesomely bad TV... Gladiators followed by such gems as My Two Dads, Major Dad, Just the Ten of Us, Facts of Life and, of course, Parker Lewis Can't Lose. The bowls of velveeta shells that were consumed... the many sunny afternoons that could have been spent outside... Childhood doesn't get much better than that.
So please, try to imagine my glee as I watched, in complete awe, as 5 foot 4 inch contestant Venus practically had a heart attack on the eliminator which now features A TWENTY FOOT SWIM UNDERWATER WHILE FLAMES BLAST OVER YOUR HEAD (???!!!) The Gladiators are more terrifying (by a long shot) and the contestants, from what I can tell, might actually possess some athletic talent (Anthony the Fire Fighter kicked that swinging bridge's ass). Who ever the television executive was that risked his career by proposing a renaissance of American Gladitors as the next reality television sensation - kudos my friend. I hate reality television (except for anything on HGTV and Bravo. Those don't count.) And now, I am officially going to TIVO reality TV on NBC.
Justice, Titan, Big Bad Wolf, Crush, Venom, Fury, Stealth,Mayhem - welcome to my living room. I am f-ing psyched to see you.
And, just for funsies, here is my list of Truly Terrifying Gladiator Names that didn't quite make the cut:
Hymen
Menses
Bosom
Pex
8-Pac
The Dude
Roids
Hernia
Tanorexia
‘Stache
Homeland Security
Mr. Jiggles (The Clown, obviously)
Hangnail
Peroxide
Atomic Wedgie
Botox
The Clap
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
