Yes. This is a post about Jessica Simpson.

Okay - so. I've never been a J-Simp fan. (With the exception of her gorgeous Vera Wang wedding gown, which I did covet for many years.)I definitely am on "Team Nick" when it comes to her divorce, and good for him for finding love with a woman who doesn't want their entire courtship and marriage to be captured on MTv (also, I blame Newlyweds for all of the quasi-scripted, relationship-heavy reality crap that now clogs much of basic cable). However, I feel the poor gal has been dealt an unfair hand.

No, I am not talking about the Tony Romo Curse (though seriously dude, vacay with your paparazzi-stalked girlfriend days before a major playoff game? Not your smartest play.), and I am not talking about how her sister got a nose job and turned out to be hotter than her (how much does THAT suck). What I am talking about is the bum rap she's gotten for her latest box-office effort, Blonde Ambition.

No. I haven't seen it. No, I don't plan to (unless it airs on TV one day and I have nothing better to do. This is also how I ended up seeing Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen). No, I am not saying that maybe critics have been too harsh, I am sure it is crap. I can't really vouch for Jessica's acting chops (other than the acting she may or may not have been doing on Newlyweds). I never saw Dukes of Hazzard or Employee of the Month or anything that she is in.

So Jenn, you ask, what is your point? My point is this: EVERY gossip blog and magazine from one coast to the other has given her a load of guff about how her movie was only open on 8 screens in Texas and made less money in one weekend than a teenager working minimum wage at Jimmy John's Gourmet Subs. But they neglect to mention that Jessica was NOT the only person to make the poor decision to be in this Daddy Simpson-produced monstrosity.

Just take a gander at Blonde Ambition's IMDB page. Go ahead. I'll wait here.


Actually, I'm gonna grab a Perrier, but I'll be here when you get back.


Okay, am I right?
There are like at least four other legit actors in that movie!
Where is their verbal lashing?
Where is their public castration?

Memo to the following actors/actresses: As dear old Stevie C. would say, I am putting you ON NOTICE!

Luke Wilson
Did he get confused and think this was Legally Blonde 3: Blonde Ambition? I mean, I can see how that might happen, it seems like a likely title. Perhaps he has a clause in his contract that says he will appear in "all Blonde movies", thinking it was shorthand for Legally Blonde sequels, but not realizing it would make him liable for this as well. Could happen. Does this mean he should be forgiven for appearing in this movie.... ehh... not so much. You were in Old School. Sack up and try to salvage a little credibility before you end up taking the role Jason Lee turns down for Chipmunks 2 (assuming Lee turns it down. JASON LEE, TURN IT DOWN! Do you hear me?)

Rachel Leigh Cook
Okay, not a major star, but someone with a little bit of established indie cred.... Wait, what's that? That was her in Josie and the Pussycats? Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Wait! But wait. She was in the Babysitters Club Movie, and starred in Dawson's first full length feature film on Dawson's Creek, so that counts as credibility in my book.

Andy Dick
Now, not really an actor or credible person in any sense of the word (even though yes, he too was also in Old School, but in the only scene I find unwatchable), but why then isn't HE being blamed for the unsuccessfulness of this movie? Why aren't we pinning this failure on the complete psychotic mess that is Andy Dick instead of making Jessica bear all the weight of failure? That just doesn't seem fair.

Penelope Ann Miller
Her IMDB resume lets me know that she was on The Facts of Life, Family Ties AND she played Winnie in Big Top Pee Wee, one of my favorite childhood movies. So, we are thus going to count her as credible as well. (She has also appeared and will appear in The Closer and Saving Grace, which I am to understand are big time hits on cable, "Especially for shows that are centered around a female character!"... I am far too bored by the previews to watch either of them. Sorry Sister Sufferagette. I have let you down.)

Drew Fuller
Adult Chris from Charmed!!! How could you. True, that decision to team up with Little Miss Sunshine for that tear jerker "last day before I die" type movie probably was the first sign that you don't know how to manage a film career. But, honestly, I expected more from you and your blue blue, oh so blue eyes.


So, my point here - Jessica isn't the only star who should be shouldering the blame for this cinematic dung-pile, so give the girl an f-ing break.

Also, I need to put Big Top Pee Wee in my Netflix Queue.